Friday, September 28, 2007

We Can't Go Back and Change the Past

There is a new TV series called “Journeyman” You can read my review at http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/395381/fall_tv_journeyman.html. The subject of time travel has always been a passion of mine. And it is not for the science-fiction aspect of time travel; it is because I love history, and I would love to have been around in the early 1900s, and I would love to go back to the 1960s as a more mature adult, rather than a child and pre-teen who really couldn’t go out on my own and be a groupie. But I think the reason time travel is so appealing is that we would all like to go back to the past with today’s wisdom. Then we could change the outcome of the present and the future.

But, since we can’t do that, we have to live from our mistakes and errors in judgment. Hopefully, we learn from the past. When we don’t, we repeat destructive patterns. We can live in a world of “shoulda’, coulda’, woulda’” , or we can dust ourselves off and move on. I have thrown out so many things in the past few months to remind me of money spent on frivolous things, or delusions I had. I took acting classes and performed in community theater and had headshots taken with the delusion that I would do it professionally one day. I took art classes to unleash my creativity. I unleashed it, but I don’t even want to think of the money I spent on classes and supplies, and time. I was looking for pleasure outside of myself.

And my latest delusion – that I could find a “better life” if I moved out of here. I learned that selling a co-op and moving were more than I could handle. I got another offer this week, and turned it down. In fact, I took the apartment off the market and Antoinette, the technology expert (and a degreed engineer) at the ALS Association, came over to assess my situation. I will have to have the good part of a wall removed, but it’s do-able. I can make the bathroom and kitchen accessible. I will pay the super to do the work; but the board could stand in my way once again, because they have to approve the work. However, I have grounds to exert rights if they prevent me from alterations for accessibility. With the apartment sale, I was up against a brick wall, and I couldn’t fight it. In the fall newsletter of the building, there is a statement, which goes something like this “although ________ Management [which manages this building] is also a real estate agency, this has no bearing in the board’s decision to approve a buyer. All applications are reviewed equally, and decisions made without building management present”.

So there it was. Hiring the management company as my realtor would not give me an advantage; they could keep rejecting applicants. I couldn’t put myself through that again; it was too stressful, and my ALS has gotten worse in the past few months. And the moving! Sure I had people who said they would help, but in the end, the burden falls on me; people have their own stuff to take care of.

So now is the time to fix up my living space and make it “home”, because my next move, if there is even a next move at all, will probably be to a hospice residence. And again, if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have wasted the last nine months trying to sell this place, not to mention a $35 charge to the building for each open house (there were 6), and exhausting trips (4 of those) to look at rentals. That is time I can never get back.

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