Thursday, November 1, 2007

I am trying to find a contractor for the renovation. If anyone knows a contractor s/he can recommend, send it on. They have to have all NYC licenses. I have the plan drawn out by Antoinette of the ALS Association.

I always get a little melancholy this time of year. I didn’t even put the “Trick or Treaters Welcome” sign on my door and didn’t buy candy. Just couldn’t get into it this year. Some mornings I can’t wait to get out of bed because I have so much to do, and other mornings I think “why bother”. Sometimes I value what little solitude I have, like when the aides go to do the laundry or shopping. And other times, I am agonizingly lonely and count the days to my next support group meeting or my next visit from my Jewish Federation volunteer. Sometimes I can live in the moment, and other times I worry – about whatever holiday is coming and whether I will have to go through it alone, about bills that need to be paid, about the “what ifs”, or sometimes I create something to worry about. Or even worse, I obsess about the “shoulda”, “coulda”, and “woulda”. I am now thoroughly convinced that if I had sold the apartment and moved to an expensive rentals, I would have been consumed by thoughts of “when the money runs out….”. When you own a house, condo or co-op, it’s hard to give up the “owner” mentality and become a renter, especially when the monthly payout of mortgage and maintenance is a lot less than rent, even in this area. It was probably a fantasy I was living out, and I guess I needed to go through it., and get it out of my system.

Twelve years ago, my mom died on October 29, and she was buried on Halloween, which happened to be her favorite holiday. So I get very melancholy this time of year. It always seems like everybody is having a lot more fun than I am. I am finally getting my rubber stamps and other craft supplies that I don’t use for sale on
eBay. I need to get rid of the stuff to make some room, and I also need to raise funds for the renovation.

Every once in a while, I get an unexpected surprise. Two of my former students sent emails. One did a search and found my blog, and the other found me on classmates.com, where I am listed as a faculty member for the
Academy of Environmental Science in Manhattan.

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